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Some basic safety tips i have found useful that new submissives or subs returning to the scene may find helpful.
Safe, Sane, Consenual. The bywords, bylaws and basic common sense of our lifestyle. In a perfect world everyone would abide by them and no one would be allowed into the lifestyle that violated them. Unfortunately with the explosion of the net and the particular style of our kink a lot of predators find the bdsm world fertile ground in which to find victims. From confidence tricksters, to rapists, to aggravated assaulters there are plenty of bad guys to go around and often they get away scott free to repeat their offenses again and again because the victims do not wish to be outed in the vanilla community. So i wanted to do an article with some tips and tricks that i've picked up along the way from others or developed myself.
First and Foremost: ALWAYS HAVE A SAFE CALL!
My Master and i are training a sub right now that is a virgin in the lifestyle. She came to our house without ever meeting us first and without letting anyone else know where she was going. If we were bad guys she could have been in a world of hurt that she might not have been able to recover from. This is generally what a safe series of events looks like.
Step 1.Meet in a public place. Get there early, chat with the people who work there, you want them to remember you.
Step 2. Arrange to have a friend call you at a certain time during the meeting to make sure you are okay.
Step 3. Verify their identity. i always ask to see their driver's license and text the license number to my best friend. That way if i get abducted she has something to give the police. Being alive is more important to me than being in the closet. If you don't have anyone in your life that knows you are into the lifestyle just tell your friend you are going on a blind date and want to be safe. They'll compliment your judgement.
(If the Dom doesn't want to show you their ID RUN! Now if they ask why you want to see it be honest. A responsible Dom won't have a problem with it. The first time i met Master i was so enamored of him he had to remind me to make my safecall and got out his ID without me even asking. Most responsible Dom's will INSIST you have a safe call.)
Step 4. If you decide to go somewhere with the Dom do not ride in their car. Tell them you will follow them in yours. If they refuse turn around go back inside call your friend and wait for the guy to leave.
Step 5. Text the plate number and description of the vehicle to your friend in either situation. Even if he's been helpful and honorable and everything seems great better safe than sorry.
Step 6. When you meet to play make sure your friend knows the phone number and address of the place you are going to. Arrange for them to call you at that number at a predetermined time. Let the Dom know to expect the call so he/she can gauge the play in synch with that. You don't want to be in the middle of a fantastic scene flying and have to have a rational conversation with a third party. You may even want to have a predetermined phrase that let's the other person know that something is wrong. (i.e. If it's going well say "everything's great" but if the guy actually has a knife to your throat (not in a happy way) you say "everything's aces") If you don't answer the phone or you use your phrase that means something is wrong your safe call calls the police. Make it very clear to your safe call that they can't be gun shy about it because your life very well might be on the line. (Also you need to make sure that your safe call person is responsible. If you have a really great friend that happens to be a total flake, pick somebody else. Ideally someone in the lifestyle is best, but my safe calls have always been vanilla friends that knew about my kink. They don't even have to be in the same state, just make sure they have all the info for your local police before you go anywhere.)
Step 7. After you have left and gotten home safe and sound call your friend to let them know that all went well. Have them expecting the call. Again if you don't report from home by a certain time 911!
This may seem like a lot but better inconvenienced than dead or maimed.
Some other less known but no less important safety tips:
Vet your play partners. i highly recommend belonging to a local munch or playgroup because they are great sources of information, education and are a lot of fun. It also gives you a place to bring the person if you aren't sure about them yet where they don't have to worry about being "outed" and if they have a history of bodies in the basement the local group may know. If they are really into the life they probably already belong to a group and if they don't will be happy to have somewhere to enjoy their kink socially. You'd do the same thing in a vanilla relationship, bring the boyfriend home to meet Mom Dad and Dad's shotgun or have him pick you up when coincidentally all of your girlfriends just happened to stop by, why not do it with someone who's planning on tying you up and beating you? Makes more sense not less.
Some submissives i've met even run credit and/or background checks. A lot of Dom's may want control of your finances, but before you hand over your bank account as well as your body make certain you know who you are handing it over to. Some Doms are fantastic at play but cannot balance a check book to save their life, maybe it is a skill of yours and a service you can offer up to them. You'll handle the finances as a tribute to them. But don't go into financial ruin just because you or your partner thinks the Dom has to be in charge of the money.
Find out about their real time experience. If they've never used a single tail or done fire play WHY are you signing up to be the dummy? You can't rely on the Dom to know everything, educate yourself. Find out what the safety tips for all different kinds of play are and how to use them effectively. We all start out inexperienced but that doesn't mean that we have to start out ignorant. Again this is where i recommend joining a local munch. Most are geared towards education and why wait until you have a Dom to start learning?
And lastly, listen to your gut. If that little voice in your head is screaming "RUN RUN RUN!" There's probably a reason why. It could be nerves but if it is the Dom will respect that and be willing to keep it public until you are ready for more. If they aren't willing then listen to the voice and keep yourself intact.
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